every night, for the past week, I've dreamt of my ex. I just want it to stop.

My life. Pretty much.

Killer Moth

I sent this to Chris because he has a deathly fear of moths haha

Chris :)

We met in early May. Not that long ago. But I feel like no one has ever known me better than he does. We met in a strange way that had some strange circumstances. Darby had remembered Mike from a summer ago, Mike and Cheyenne had broken up (only for a month), Darby wanted to go on a double date and Mike had a cute friend named Chris. Darby asked me to go with. That's how we met. We texted for a few weeks before we met face to face but I already liked him. He was different. Respectful, mature, honest and sweet. Totally different from guys my age. Our 3 year age difference isn't bad. We can be silly together. Get into the most ridiculous play fights, build forts, watch anime and make up bad band names. But we can also have intelligent conversations about history and politics and books. We have sex but it's not like our relationship would fall apart without it. We're okay just talking, cuddling and being together. We have common interests. We like the same stuff. And I swear he teaches me something new everytime we're together. He's pretty much the most incredible person I've ever met. And I could go on forever about all the reasons I love him and all the amazing memories we've made together in the past five months.

iwrestledabearonce - smells like kevin bacon <3 look it up. it's incredible.

Been awhile

It's been a very long while since I've blogged. It's pretty incredible how much a person can change in a year. I feel so old when I read old blog posts. But I feel better. I am a much happier person than I was a year ago. I could thank my boyfriend, Chris. But I'll thank myself instead. I mean, Chris makes me amazingly happy but I've made myself happy too.

Things That Make Happy

- Painting
- Balloons
- Fun-Dip
- Hanging out with my mom
- Shopping with friends
- Scary moves
- Family Guy
- Jessica Pinkman
- Compliments
- Getting As on tests
- Movie theature pop-corn
- Smoking cigarettes
- A nice cup of mint tea
- When I can see lots of stars
- Zach Poppas
- Dancing around my room to loud music
- Speech meets
- Getting dressed up extra pretty
- My tattoo
- Making snowmen
- Burning incense
- Finding an awesome new resturant
- Project Runway
- Playing angry birds or nyan cat
- Reading a new book
- Writing
- Fairs, like the State or County Fair
- Samantha Clauson
- Ashley Truitt
- When music describes exactly how I feel
- Nutella
- My cat, Squeaks
- Anime/Manga
- Clean laundry
- My boss's sons (Steven, 9 years old; Jason, 5 years old)
- A good nights sleep
- Really spicy salsa
- Leonardo di Caprio
- Playing Uno
- Alan Rickman's voice
- Poetry, really beautful poetry
- Going to the races in Eagle with my dad
- Diet Coke
- Mr. Petermann
- The Fourth of July
- Driving my grandma's new car
:)

There are no words but I'll try, like I've always tried

There's nothing to describe how I feel. Hurt, angry, completely destroyed are good but they don't quite describe it. I loved him so much but he never loved me. I still love him, as sick as that is. He says he "cared" but that's not good enough. He wasn't good enough. I gave him everything I had it wasn't good enough for him. He says he loves her, that it just feels right when they're together. That's how I felt with him. Like everything was right. But it was all wrong. I guess, I've always known, deep-down, that he didn't really love me. That I was being used. But I ignored it, like he's been ignoring me for too long, I didn't want to face it. I childishly ran away from the truth, and even as he was ending it (over text), I was still trying to keep our relationship together. In someways, I'm kind of happy it's over. I always felt second best, a consulation prize the universe gave him to make up for him not getting the girl he's always wanted. "Hey, I'm sorry you didn't get the girl you wanted but here's something to make it up too you, she's a little beat-down and broken but I'm sure you can still use her". And he did. He used me. For sex and money but above all, he dated me so he was alone. To be honest, we didn't have much in common. But I tried to make it work. I tried really hard to be the girl he wanted. But I should have known that it was a useless effort. I am who I am.